How to Shatter Barriers Blocking Caregivers From Getting Help
And five ways to begin.…
Hello! Welcome to Smarter Caring, Smarter Living, and Part 30 of a series of articles on challenges caregivers don’t openly discuss and, therefore, face alone. But we’re trying to change that with new weekly topics, Notes, comments, and new relationships built on commonalities we never knew existed. I’m so glad you’re here!
Part 30: What it takes to break down walls that keep you from getting the help you need
You know you need help. Everyone tells you that you need help. Yet somehow, picking up the phone or sending that text asking someone to pitch in feels impossibly difficult.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not being stubborn or prideful.
Studies show that family caregivers face very real, very understandable barriers blocking their need for support. No one is saying that the obstacles aren’t there or that you made them up. But when it comes to reaching out for support, you need to go over, under, around, or through the barriers to position yourself to get help.
Understanding these invisible walls is the first step to breaking through them.
Thinking that builds barriers…
When “I don’t want to be a burden” is your default
Here’s what the research shows: caregivers overwhelmingly hesitate to ask friends for help because they fear crossing an indiscernible line.
We tell ourselves that caregiving responsibilities belong to the family. It’s not something friends share. We worry that asking someone to help with medical appointments, personal care tasks, or even just sitting with our loved one will strain or damage the friendship.
This fear isn’t irrational—it’s deeply rooted in how we understand relationships, but it often leaves us isolated precisely when we need connection the most.
The family paradox: when your closest circle feels the farthest away
You might think asking family would be easier. Often, it’s not.
Family dynamics can be complicated on a good day. Add caregiving to the mix—with its role reversals, difficult decisions, and high emotions—and those complications multiply. When an adult child becomes the primary decision-maker for a parent, or when siblings disagree about care approaches, the question of “who should help with what” becomes murky and emotionally charged.
Studies show that many families practice avoidance when it comes to discussing complex topics like illness progression or prognosis.
When we can’t talk openly about what’s happening, we certainly can’t speak openly about what we need. The emotional support system never gets built because the foundation of honest communication was never laid. This thread could be woven throughout your family history or something relatively new, but without open communication, walls grow stronger.
The debt we think we’re creating
There’s another layer here that some researchers call “gift exchange theory,” feeling ashamed when we can’t give back what we receive.
When you ask a neighbor to drive your mom to physical therapy, you’re acutely aware that you may not be able to return that favor. You’re stretched too thin. The “debt” feels like it’s accumulating, and that feeling of imbalance can stop us from asking in the first place.
The control trap (and why letting go feels impossible)
If you’ve ever described yourself as a “control freak” or a perfectionist when it comes to caregiving, you’re in good company.
Many caregivers feel this way. But it’s not really about control. It’s about love, fear, and the very reasonable belief that no one else can do things quite right or as well as you can.
The problem is that this mindset creates its own prison.
When we believe our way is “the only way,” we can’t delegate. When we don’t trust “strangers” or worry about inconsistent professional staff, we shoulder everything ourselves. Our desire to protect our loved ones ultimately depletes us.
Building Bridges: Practical Ways to Cross These Boundaries
After twenty years in elder care, I’ve seen caregivers successfully navigate these challenges. Here’s what works:
Start with specific, small requests.
Instead of asking someone to “help out,” ask if they can pick up a prescription next Tuesday or shop for (better yet, bring) dinner on Thursday. Specific requests are easier for people to say yes to—and easier for you to ask for. They don’t feel like you’re asking someone to become a co-caregiver; you’re just asking for a single task.
Talk openly, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Practice saying the hard things out loud with your family. “Mom’s Alzheimer’s is progressing.” “I can’t do this alone anymore.” “I need us to have a real conversation about what comes next.” Yes, it’s difficult. But avoidance only compounds isolation.
Set boundaries to preserve yourself.
This might seem counterintuitive when we’re talking about getting help, but clear boundaries are essential. Tell family members: “I can’t answer calls about Mom’s care between 8-9 PM—that’s my time.” Or: “I need every other Saturday free, so we need to arrange alternate coverage.” Boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re a matter of survival.
Look beyond your inner circle.
Support groups, whether in-person or online, connect you with people who genuinely understand. Professional respite care services exist precisely because family and friends can’t (and shouldn’t) provide everything. Organizations like Family Caregiver Alliance offer resources, information, and connections to services designed specifically for caregivers. Tip: play around with the tabs to find much more that’s not on the front page.
Break it down and delegate.
You don’t have to hand over all of caregiving to trust someone with parts of it. Create a list of discrete tasks—medication pickups or phone-call reminders, meal preparation, companionship during your errands—and match them to people in your network based on their abilities and availability. Or (and?), extend your network to include local volunteers who assist with the elderly.
The Truth About Asking for Help
Here’s what I’ve learned: asking for help isn’t a sign that you’re failing at caregiving.
It’s a sign that you’re human. Those invisible walls that keep you from reaching out? They’re built from love, fear, cultural expectations, and entirely understandable emotions. But they don’t have to stay standing.
You deserve support, and your loved one deserves a caregiver who isn’t running on empty.
And there are people all around you. Family, friends, neighbors, and local volunteers often want to help but don’t know how or what you need. Reach out and begin talking with them.
Start small. Start somewhere. Just start.
What’s one specific, manageable request you could make this week?
You’re not alone. And you deserve the help you want and need.
Resource Box: Need to Connect Right Now?
• National Caregiver Support Line: 1-855-227-3640 (Family Caregiver Alliance)
• Crisis Text Line: Text “CARE” to 741741 for immediate emotional support
• Eldercare Locator: 1-800-677-1116 (Mon-Fri, 9 am-8 pm ET) to find local services
Remember: Researching resources is taking action. You’re not alone in this.
More Resources by Category
National Organizations & Information Hubs
Family Caregiver Alliance: The nation’s first community-based nonprofit addressing the needs of families and friends providing long-term care. Offers fact sheets, online support groups, and a National Center on Caregiving with state-by-state resources.
AARP Caregiving Resource Center: Comprehensive guides on everything from legal and financial planning to self-care strategies. Includes the AARP Prepare to Care guide to help plan for everything yet to come.
Caregiver Action Network: Provides education, peer support, and resources for family caregivers across all diagnoses and life stages. Offers toolkits and a private online community.
National Alliance for Caregiving: Conducts research and raises awareness about family caregiving issues. Their reports and advocacy work help shape caregiver support policies.
Eldercare Locator or call 1-800-677-1116) is a public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connecting caregivers to local services, including adult day care, home-delivered meals, transportation, and respite care. From the site: “This site is being reviewed and updated as needed to comply with President Trump’s executive orders.” Check the site for completion, but use the phone number.
Online Communities & Support Groups
Caregiver Space on Reddit: An active, moderated community of 50,000+ caregivers sharing experiences, advice, and emotional support 24/7.
ALZConnected: Online message boards and caregiver-to-caregiver support specifically for Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers, hosted by the Alzheimer’s Association.
Caregivers Connect: Mayo Clinic moderated discussion groups where caregivers can ask questions and share experiences across various conditions.
The Caregiver Space: Private Facebook group offering daily support, encouragement, and practical advice from fellow caregivers.
Cancer Caregivers Support Group: Free, professionally-led support groups for those caring for loved ones with cancer, available online and by phone.
Practical Tools & Apps
Lotsa Helping Hands: Free online platform that organizes community support—perfect for coordinating meal trains, rides, and volunteer help from your network.
CaringBridge: Personal health websites that make it easy to keep friends and family updated, reducing the burden of repeated explanations.
Caring Village: Helps caregivers create a private online community to coordinate care tasks, share updates, and organize help from family and friends.
Self-Care & Respite Resources
ARCH National Respite Network: Assists and promotes the development of quality respite and crisis care programs, helps families locate respite and crisis care services, and serves as a strong voice for respite in all forums. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (find yours at USAging to locate affordable respite care services in your community. Or contact the Eldercare Locator above. “This site is being reviewed and updated as needed to comply with President Trump’s executive orders.” Check the site for completion, but use the phone number.
Today's Caregiver Magazine is a Free online magazine with articles, forums, and resources, including their “Fearless Caregiver Conferences.”
Disease-Specific ResourcesA
Alzheimer's Association: 24/7 Helpline: 1-800-272-3900. Free support, information, and referrals for dementia caregivers.
American Cancer Society: Caregiver resources, including practical day-to-day tips and emotional support.
American Heart Association Caregiver Support: Resources for those caring for stroke and heart disease patients.
National Multiple Sclerosis Society: Offers support groups, educational programs, and connections to local resources.
Parkinson's Foundation: Helpline (1-800-4PD-INFO), support groups, and caregiver-specific educational materials.
The path forward isn’t always clear, but you don’t have to walk it alone. Trust your research, trust your instincts, and trust that choosing what’s sustainable for everyone involved is an act of profound love.
I look forward to “talking” with you next week—enjoy the lead-up to the winter holidays with those you love, and have fun together.
Make memories to cherish!
And as always, I wish you and yours the most satisfying results possible.
SPECIAL REQUEST: What’s the biggest struggle in your caregiving journey?
Please hit reply and let me know. Or send me a direct message.❤️ This helps create helpful resources!
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If you know someone struggling with caregiving demands, please feel free to share my articles with them anytime. Thanks, and see you soon.
Graceful Last Chapters: Helping Seniors Who Need More Care
Cynthia Neher Martindale, author
“Kind, intelligent, informative, patient, and humanitarian.” -- Amazon TOP 100 REVIEWER
Yay! First comment. Good, resourceful and empathic work Cindy. Anyone reading this can obtain a handful of information about the wingspan of services offered to caregivers. But in addition, you tackled the blocks to getting services with gusto. And you presented it first which rings its importance. Keep writing, it’s vital.
Great article, Cindy. Practical tips for caregivers, useful reframes to rethink asking for help and list of resources..